How Free Beer and Hot Wings Would Do As Pilgrims in 1620

Hi Idiots.

If you caught the show this morning you probably heard Free Beer talk about a discussion Maitlynn and I had about a guy on TV looking like a pilgrim. There is no real good explanation for how or why that conversation happened. You really had to be there to understand. If that guy had stepped off the Mayflower he would have fit right in, believe me.

Maitlynn and I have had many conversations like this. But this one got me thinking. One of the earliest computer games was a text-based game called The Oregon Trail made in 1971. The goal was to make decisions to try and have each member of your family survive a trip across the American West in 1848. I thought it would be rather humorous to do a little FBHW version of this, but Pilgrim style.

So without further ado, these are how I think each member of the show would fare if they were in 1620 trying to live in an unexplored world. Let me know how wrong I am over on Facebook.

Kelly - Lost in the Woods

I think Kelly would go on a walk into the woods and get lost, possibly never to be seen again. Considering she's been to nearly every state in the country, exploration is in her blood. Maybe she'll stumble across some Native Americans or a hungry bear. Either way, the forest will consume her. But who knows, maybe she'll thrive out there.

Steve - Town Carpenter

Steve would survive the brutal journey across the Atlantic (fun fact - it took 66 days for the pilgrims to sail across the ocean) and become an essential part of the town. Helping coordinate building projects and helping where he could. Sadly, I see him getting some kind of injury and meeting an early end.

Free Beer - Death by Drowning

Poor Free Beer. It took every ounce of strength for him to work up the nerve to climb aboard the Mayflower, but sadly due to his inability to swim, I can see him accidentally toppling overboard. Yes, this is incredibly morbid. However, natural selection works in mysterious ways.

Maitlynn - Lives to Old Age

Maitlynn would be an integral part of the community as someone everyone can rely on. Helping where she can, I see Mait surviving illness at some point, having a large family, and I think she'd do some trading with nearby Native Americans. It was incredibly rare to survive into old age, but I think she'd swing it. She's just chill like that.

Hot Wings - Herbalist

Hot Wings' weirdly extensive knowledge of trees could prove to be helpful as the community grows and expands. Like Steve, I could see Hot Wings becoming an essential part of the town. The unknown nature would captivate this tree lover, leading to a life of research and splinters.

Tommy - Death by Cholera

It's only fitting that Turd Cobain would consume some nasty water and suffer a painful and poopy death. I think I'd cross the Mayflower as a stowaway and just be a general nuisance to the crew. Sorry, not sorry!

I know this is an odd one. I think I'm still on a pilgrim kick from my visit to Plymouth in Massachusetts, and sadly, you're all coming along for the ride of my latest hyper fixation.