Unless you live under a rock, you know the Super Bowl is just over 48 hours away. With the big game comes commercials, booze, and snacks. Last year, the gang shared their 3 favorite party snacks, so this year they did the opposite and each shared the 3 snacks that should never be anywhere near any bowls, no matter how super they are.


Lisa F. Young


Free Beer

Free Beer's takes are rather run-of-the-mill and I don't think anyone is going to have any issues with them.

  1. Soup
    1. Not sure what exactly he has against soup considering soup is such a wide and all-encompassing food category, but maybe he is just anti-hot liquidy food which I can respect I suppose.
  2. Funyuns/Corn Nuts
    1. Funyuns are nasty and if you're bringing fungus to a party you may as well not even walk through the door. Corn Nuts are one I am a fan of, but they don't make sense in a party setting. There are just better chip options than these (we'll cover more chips/cracks not to bring below. Get excited!).
  3. Veggie Tray
    1. This is definitely Free Beer's best take. The days of the veggie tray are over. The only redeemable munchable item in a veggie tray is the baby carrots. Otherwise, veggie trays are boring and take up too much counter space.
Bowl of squash soup


Hot Wings

No hot takes here - though one of Hot Wing's worst snacks is a little out of left field (wrong sport but who cares), while one is a true story and is the most bogus thing I've ever heard. HW's list is going to leave you questioning what kind of parties he is attending, and we're asking ourselves the same question.

  1. Split Pea Soup
    1. Taking a page from Free Beer's book, Hot Wings started by slandering soup. The difference between their takes was that rather than hating soup in general, he hates a single soup: split pea soup. While I have not had this, I have not once heard the phrase "souper bowl" (hehe) and thought of split pea soup. He may be on to something here.
  2. Celery
    1. Plain ol celery. Free Beer and Hot Wings were again in agreeance that veggies can be a stain on an otherwise good party, but Hot Wings was more open to the idea of a veggie tray, so long as celery was not involved. Celery is boring and has to be eaten with something for it to be enjoyed. He claims if that is needed, it shouldn't be here.
  3. Kraft Singles on Wonder Bread
    1. One measly Kraft single slice of cheese on a slice of Wonder Bread. True story, someone at one of Hot Wing's parties did show up with this as their contribution to a party. Not that this needs an explanation as to why it is atrocious, but I'm still going to let this photo speak for itself.


Getty Images / Canva
Getty Images / Canva


Steve had more traditional choices including yet another veggie basher. He also apparently hates brown crackers.

  1. Veggies
    1. You already know.
  2. Hard Pretzels
    1. You know the Super Bowl fixture Rold Gold pretzels which is always in a bowl and is never bothering anyone? The pretzels that you can count on during your darkest days? Yeah, Steve wants them gone. Heartless monster.
  3. Triscuits
    1. Heartless Monster Steve comes in for another blow here. After some deliberation amongst the gang, they decided other flavors of Triscuits were okay and that only original/plain Triscuits were bad. Since Triscuits are "bad on their own", they are tris-cut from the roster of snacks.
Pretzels aligned in a row
Photo by Israel Albornoz on Unsplash


Now Kelly I thought had the best list until I heard her third choice, which I know is going to rub some people the wrong way (especially Michiganders - we have an obsession with this)

  1. Cold Nacho Cheese
    1. There is no debate here. It's already borderline despicable to buy queso from a jar from the store to bring to the party, but it is a whole other level to put the dish out COLD. Or, you it goes cold and no one heats it back up. Shame on y'all.
  2. Nutty Cheese Log
    1. This hard ball of cheese sits as the central piece of a charcuterie board and is meant to be something you use cracks on to sort of dip into it. However, they are harder than boulders and all you do is break your cracker 7 times before you get enough cheese to nibble. Waste of space.
  3. Ranch
    1. This is such a hot take because of how much you can do with the ranch. It is crucial for the veggie board everyone hates so much, it is a key dipping sauce for hot wings (actual hot wings, not our esteemed host). Kelly exclaimed "Mayo and Dill together?! Yuck!" when she was on her ranch-hating tangent, so if that makes sense to you, great.
Photo by Luis Cortes on Unsplash
Photo by Luis Cortes on Unsplash


One of Maitlynn's choices struck a real chord with me, and I was even more aghast when nearly every other person in the room agreed with her. Let's get right into it.

  1. Bone-In Wings
    1. Ranch's best friend, the hot wing is a sports essential. However, Maitlynn makes a great point by pointing out that bone-in wings are just an utter mess and take too long to eat. Boneless gives the freedom of accessibility and should be the industry standard going forward.
  2. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
    1. Oatmeal Raisin cookies are my favorite cookie. I know this is an unpopular choice, but to have every single person bombastically agree with her sent a dagger through my heart. I need them there for selfish reasons. No one else touches them, which always means there are some for me. How dare YOU.
  3. Jello
    1. This is pretty cut and dry. Jello should only be present when you've gotten your tonsils removed or you have strep. That jiggly goodness should be removed post-haste.
Kraft Plans To Raise Prices On Numerous Products In Next Year
Getty Images


Then there's little ol' me, who was not able to share his takes on the air. I see it as a blessing in disguise, as I was saved from potentially getting totally clowned with my choices. I'm not going to explain them. I will leave the interpretations for you all.

  1. Spinach Artichoke Dip
  2. Deviled Eggs
  3. Charcuterie Boards as a whole


Happy Super Bowl Weekend, Idiots. Don't bring anything of these to your party or you will face a reckoning.


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