Free Beer and Hot Wings’ Maitlynn Has Many Alter-Egos

Hi Idiots.

It's been a fun week for the show. Many of us have plans that we have been looking forward to for quite some time, but no one is more hype than Maitlynn.

For months, our flagship station has been counting down the days until our local metal/rock festival called Upheaval Festival, which has many of her favorite bands showing up.

We have a running joke on the show that Maitlynn has an alter-ego named Marilynn who comes out when she's drunk, but this week I was introduced to two new personalities that have been tucked away: Metal Maitlynn, the version of Maitlynn that comes out when she's at a concert, and the even more elusive Hatelynn. 

Due to this shocking doubling of personalities in one week, I thought it necessary to catalog each face of America's Sweetheart.

Maitlynn

We all know Maitlynn, the fun, optimistic, and sassy girl we hear every day. Has an exceptional fashion sense. Loves puns, Nickelback, and can give Hot Wings a run for his money with her encyclopedic music knowledge.

Marilynn

According to Maitlynn, Marilynn is

Flirty, but not in an obvious way. Loves and wants to talk to everyone, but will most likely text everyone the next morning and as if she did anything dumb the night before. She loooves oversharing.

Metal Maitlynn

The show has been introduced to both of the first to versions of Maitlynn, but Metal Maitlynn is a new breed. Maitlynn says she

Is nearly the complete opposite of Maitlynn. Since she is wearing her "b*tch stomping boots", she walks with extra sass and is waaay more confident. Prone to excessive amounts of headbanging.

H̶̢̰͆̏̚ ̴̰̦͉̊a̶͙̠̜͜͠ ̸̧̰̳̉͆̌̾͜t̸͕̹̗̗̎̔̓͘ ̷͎́͝ḙ̷̱̆ ̷̢͙̖̩̃̆̉͠l̶̙͝ ̴̯͖̭̽̂͌ỳ̴̄͋͜ ̷̛̪̻͇̋ͅń̴̯͉̻͉͠͝ ̵̺̫̬̥̽̅̂n̸̻͙̎͐̓͝

A mystery even to Maitlynn, Hatelynn is buried deep inside her but is a personality she knows is sitting dormant inside her and will be unleashed eventually. While she isn't sure, she guesses this is a mixture of Marilynn and Metal Maitlynn. If you're on the receiving end, beware.

As more versions of her emerge, this will be updated.

Gulp.