Idiots, have you been feeling stagnant in the bedroom? The 'standard-bearer' each time just isn't doing it for you anymore? We don't blame you. Fret not! Here's some great news for you.

Couple under white sheets in bed
Photo by Womanizer Toys on Unsplash

Recently on the show, we discussed ways to make add some pizzazz to the bedroom, and one of our listeners from Muskegon, Michigan kindly texted in a step-by-step guide on how to use your poop chute for a different kind of relief. For some reason, I have chosen to pass it along to you all. We preface: proceed at your own risk and don't do anything you and your partner aren't both cool with.

The message has been edited to make it more PG, but I'm sure you'll all still get the drift. Ahem:

"...lots of movie theater butter on you and whatever is pulling into the garage. Start with a phalange or something itty bitty. Graduate (their word not mine) to a wine bottle stopper, leave it while other canoodling is happening, then reapply the movie theater butter and swap the wine bottle stopper for the 'real thing', then start very slow until it's comfy."


I can say with 100% certainty this was the last thing I thought I'd be writing today, and since I can't control myself, I am going to take it one step further.

In case these instructions aren't good enough for you, I have taken it upon myself to liken it to something everyone will understand: learning to ride a bike. I apologize in advance.

Step 1: Put on your Helmet

Prep work is essential! That's why it is crucial to make sure you and your bike are ready for a ride. The bike chain is the key part of the bike; without it, nothing will run. This should be well-lubricated before the rider gets on. It is also good for the rider to put some sunscreen on themselves, just to be safe.

Bicycle helmet
Photo by Dushawn Jovic on Unsplash

Step 2: Start Slow

No one gets on a bike and takes off into the sunset on their first try, so it is important to ramp up. Start small. This might entail practicing your balance or giving those pedals a couple of pumps. Rushing into things when you're not ready is bad for you and your bike! You'll want to ease into it, you don't wanna scrap your knee before getting started.

Boy on a bike with training wheels
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Step 3: Take off one training wheel

Now that you're comfortable on the bike and your bike is feeling sound, it's time to take things to another level. Since you need to ease into each step, try taking off one training wheel to help make sure your bike is equipped for this change. While you're taking off the wheel, try doing some other maintenance on your bike. Check the tire pressure. Adjust the seat. Make sure your bike is comfortable before you ramp up to going all BMX on it.

Man doing maintenance on a bike
Photo by Igor Peftiev on Unsplash

Step 4: Going All BMX

Once everything is feeling right, take the final step and remove the other training wheel. Re-up on your sunscreen, start slow, and ride off into the sunset.

Guy doing on a trick on a bike
Photo by Nicolas Picard on Unsplash

So yeah, if you're interested in fishing for starfish, now you can say it's just like riding a bike!  (This was a trainwreck and I'm very sorry)

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